Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Junk Mail of the Year

I was just reviewing my Spam mail folder to clean out some 589 pieces of junk mail. I had all of the usual lottery winning notifications, PayPal account suspension notices, pleas for help with multi-million dollar bank accounts in Zambia, Ghana, Nigeria, South Africa and Zimbabwe, OEM software deals-of-the-century, lesbian/sado-masochistic/nymphomaniacs desperately-seeking-me etc. You know the drill. Then I found this one. It's a come-on for a website called and is, in my humble opinion, Mark in Mexico's Junk Mail of the Year. I almost never open any of these junk emails, but this one intrigued me.

I visited and it is hilarious - no link provided - you'll have to find it yourself. It is apparently managed from a foreign country, France, I think. There is some use of French expressions in some of the photo captions and the English translations are, er, somewhat lacking. For example:
Andrea's fitness lesson
Andrea is training in the park, but a new coach is there, and he insists on helping her to sculpt her body... Suddenly when he tries to touch her breast she attack (sic) him straight to the groin. She kicks his balls and she grabs his testicles making him run away in pain (Run away from his testicles? What a sacrifice!). This ballbusting fury follows him and beat (sic) up his sack (sic) (sic sac?) with a stick, she punches his nuts very hard while seating (sic) on him (I just hate it when someone seats on me, don't you?)... A moment later, she attacks him from behind with a branch and she attaches him to a bridge (attached to a bridge? Omigod!), she threatens another guy who wants to call the police ! "Je vais te couper les couilles !" - "I'm going to cut your balls off !" ! This (sic) french (sic) ballbusting chicks are really cruel ! She finally beats her prisoner to death, mainly with groin attacks.

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Beaten to death, mainly with groin attacks. That would be definitely cruel. I wouldn't have thought that one could be beaten to death with groin attacks. Oh, I see, it's "mainly" with groin attacks. The 6 consecutive blows to the guy's skull with a ball peen hammer are what actually did him in. These "true life adventure" stories just get funnier. To wit;
The pink umbrella
Maria is attacked by a junk (sic) who wants to take her cigarette pack... She strikes back by kicking him in the testicles as hard as she can... He tries to run away with her cigarettes, but she uses her pink umbrella to grab him by the groin from behind ! Ouch ! A really, really violent and sadistic self-defense move ! The umbrella is a deadly weapon... She then grabs him by the balls and she finishes him...
A great ballbusting video with a sexy and deadly heroine.

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A sexy and deadly heroine armed with a pink - not blue or red or yellow, mind you, but PINK umbrella-as-deadly-weapon. Then she finishes him - off, I presume.
The pen attack
While Myriam is dressing in the cabin, Eddy tries to see her nude...
But she notices that someone is spying (sic) her. She quickly slaps his groin with a pen. A deadly move !
She then kness (sic) him and kicks him in the balls multiple times !
The ballbusting saleswoman is back, cruel and sexy !

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What kind of pen? Bic, Cross, Mont Blanc? I gots (sic) to know.
Where do (sic) you go (sic) with my bike ?
A man is trying to steal Maria's bike while she's harvesting some nuts (Harvesting some nuts? I'm not making this up!) ... Suddenly, she sees him and run (sic) after him to get her bike back ! She beats his crotch with the bike, she brutally kicks his testicles ! She menaces him to (sic) castrate (sic) him... She grabs his balls and squeezes them very hard ! The guy is in pain... He falls unconscious. She then beats him with a big branch ! He runs away to save his life, but he's too slow, she kicks him from behind and crushes his groin with her bike ! Truely (sic) violent ! THE BEST BALLBUSTING CLIP WE EVER MADE ! You won't look at a bike the same way after watching this !

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Let me see if I understand this. She (Maria) picks up her bicycle and beats the guy's groin with said bicycle as well as, later, crushes the guy's groin with her bicycle. Jesus! I don't know about you but I certainly will never look at a bicycle the same way, again, not ever. Especially if Maria is anywhere in the immediate vicinity. And who told these morons to leave a space before every exclamation point ! and question mark ? Now for some really fractured English:
Eddy gets busted !
Myriam has found a job in a wearing shop (What's a "wearing shop?). It's the begining (sic) of the day, when a man enters the shop. He looks strange... He's looking around... Suddenly he tries to robber (sic) a pant (sic) ! But she sees him and she runs after him to try to bust him. You know this kind of woman, she always aims right where it hurts... The deadly ballbusting saleswoman ! Eddy runs in pain after being severely kicked and twisted ! If you go to this shop, don't ask for a refund ! (So as to avoid being severely kicked and twisted.)

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Download the full video clip here
Justice for someone trying to robber a pant from a wearing shop, I'd say. At the bottom of the web page comes this warning.
Warning (sic) these clips contains (sic) violent scenes with women kicking men in the groin.

Do not download these clips if you're not used to television or under 13.
Not used to television? That must be for their Amish clients and the recent immigrants from Mullahkryyzgstan. Now for an entry which will interest the ACLU, no doubt.
Police abuse
On October 15, a rogue police woman arrested a suspect and kicked him severely in the groin... Seriously roughed up by a city police officer... The man suffered a severed testicle (She beat it off?) and a lacerated penis. This police woman is a member of a new squad, called the ballbusting squad. It was created by the police department to help officers convict people more evenly.

We're hoping to contribute, in our small way, to awareness of police abuse of power, brutality, foolishness, and corruption.

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That's right. Police abuse of foolishness is not to be tolerated, not to mention police abuse of corruption. When they get bought, they gotta stay bought. And people must be convicted more evenly; 2, 4, 6, 8 convictions at a time, never 1, 3, 5, or 7. Here is the photo offered as proof of this story's trueness, veracitisiousness and factuality.

Notice that the guy is taking no chances that this episode might end up on What is she holding in her right hand? It would appear that he was late to the defense and suffered more than just a laceration.

I don't recall ever having seen a policewoman who looked quite like the one pictured above. That photo must have been taken in San Francisco. They more often look like this: on sports:
The snooker balls
Do you know what's my favorite game ? The snooker. I play snooker with (sic) my own rules... I use someone's balls to play ! This poor guy should have nerver (sic) looked at my breast ! I've gone nuts ! His nuts ! Ha ! He was so excited by me... He didn't know what to say... A good kick between the legs ! Hummm ! You want another one !? Give me your balls so I can play with them !

At this game I always win. Poor man, he lost his balls ! I'm a wicked girl you know... Come and play with me... At your own risk ! Have you ever played the ballbusting snooker game ?

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I remember just yesterday telling my wife, "Hey, honey. I'm going down to the poolhall to play a little The snooker. And, tomorrow morning, I'm going to the club to play a round of The golf with my friends and maybe a little The poker afterwards."

The Snooker Balls !

Someone Else's Balls ! Lost ? The football, The volleyball, The basketball !

Enough of this foolishness. Good night and good luck !

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