Sunday, May 28, 2006

They gave me a HAT. I have the HAT.


What's with John Kerry and his stupid magic hat. He is still insisting that he ferried Martin Sheen up the Blue Nile river on a top secret mission to find and kill Marlon Brando. Sheen was assigned this mission because the Army brass had decided that Brando had to go due to his unacceptable weight gain and talking with cotton balls stuffed in his jowls. The generals in Saigon, capital of Cambodia, couldn't understand anything he was saying over the field telephone when he was speaking in Morse Code. For example, when Brando called to say "Merry Christmas", the generals thought they heard, "May you kiss my ass." So, they ordered the recently decorated hero John Kerry (who had shot himself in the fingernail) to ferry the notoriously bloodthirsty right-wing bigot with the idiot sons (Sheen) to the border between Laos and Tasmania to find and silence Don Vito Brando.

As proof, Kerry offers an Army/Navy Surplus Store campaign hat that he carries around in a secret magic briefcase (its secret is that it is covered in bull elephant foreskin and the magic is that, when you rub the side of the briefcase, it grows into a full-size Pullman suitcase).
"They gave me a hat," Mr. Kerry says. "I have the hat to this day," he declares, rising to pull it from his briefcase. "I have the hat."
Ok, ok, you've got the damned hat. The people listed below all were quite proud of their hats, too, and justifiably so.



Benedict had a hat but traded it for a red coat.


Jimmah's got a hey-at.


Fonda's fond-a her Hanoi helmet.


J. W. in his hat. Abe could have used Jane's Hanoi helmet.


Billy Bonney has a bonnet but it's now Pat's hat.


George has a hat but no longer any hair to wear under it.


Antonio Lopez has a hat under which he gloriously wins an abandoned Spanish mission and un-gloriously loses 2/3rds of New Spain.
Pancho looks pretty pithy in his hat.


Al Capone wears his hat to Al Catraz.


J. Edgar and his closeted Clyde wear their hats gayly.


Adolph proudly wears his hat as he bids adieu to 20 million souls, give or take.


Uncle Joe proudly wears his hat as he bids adieu to 30 million souls, give or take.


Mao proudly wears his hat as he bids adieu to 50 million souls, give or take.


Tojo wears his hat as he formally accepts invitation to a necktie party.


Elijah wears a hat as he steals Cassius from us and orders Malcolm XX'd out.


Idi wears a hat as he says, "U-take-a U-gand-a." Amen.


Jack wears a hat when he stings Darryl, permanently. Jack says, "Tough taters."


Fidel wears his hat for its brain-cooling effects during 6 hour speeches in the Caribbean sun.


Bobby Moogobby wears his hat as he declares, "A chicken in every pot." He then confiscates everybody's pots and blames Bush/Blair.


Jefferson Davis Hogg wears a big white hat and waves a governator-sized seegar.


Not to be outdone by any of the aforementioned, Mark in Mexico wears two (2) hats on the beach in Huatulco. One to cover his face and the other to cover . . . well . . . not that much, really.

La Cucuracha! La Cucuracha!
Yada yada yada yada.

La Cucuracha! La Cucuracha!
Yada yada yada yada.


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