Tuesday, November 08, 2005

This frozen dead guy wasn't dead

Bob Dougherty claims he visited the Louisville Home Depot in October, 2003. While inside the store, he began to suffer from a "sour stomach". He rushed to the store's restroom where he failed to find a paper toilet seat cover. In a state of distress, he claims to have sat down on said toilet, anyway. When he attempted to stand up (I'm now assuming that it was a false alarm), he claims to have discovered that his butt-tocks and legs were frozen, or glued, as it were, to the toilet seat. As he sat there, frozen in position, so to speak, a store employee came into the restroom. Mr. Dougherty called out to the employee and told him of his predicament.

The store employee then committed a signal error. Being a veteran of the United States Navy, he reported the situation to the store's "head" clerk. What else would a former sailor do? The "head" clerk ignored it, thinking it was a joke. It was only some time later when another store employee entered the restroom that the fire department rescue team was called to remove Mr. Dougherty's butt-tocks, toilet seat as well as Mr. Dougherty still attached, from the Home Depot restroom to a the local hospital. There, Mr. Dougherty's butt-tocks, Mr. Dougherty still attached, were removed from the toilet seat in a procedure variously called a commodectomy or crapperotomy.

Obviously, this was a problem which should have been reported to the store's "tail" clerk. The unfortunate employee, likely to lose his job over the incident due to his misreporting of the sticky situation, probably hesitated for a bit, frozen by indecision, trying to determine which clerk to report to. "Heads or tails? I just can't decide," he no doubt pondered. The "tail" clerk would, of course, not have viewed the problem with such insousiance. What's good for the goose is not necessarily always good for the gander. The "tail" clerk would have taken a closer gander at the frozen, or glued, butt-tocks bruhaha.

Now, this story has been around for a couple of days. Mr. Dougherty has sued Home Depot for 3 million US dollars. The unfortunate store employee who can't tell heads from tails will lose his job, and Mr. Dougherty has appeared on Katie Kouric's Today show to discuss his stuck butt-tocks lawsuit.

Mr. Dougherty hails from Nederland, Colorado. Nederland is famous for what? You're right, Frozen Dead Guy Days. The fifth annual Frozen Dead Guy Days celebration is scheduled for March 10-12, 2006. If you are interested in Frozen Dead Guy Days, just follow the link. In a nutshell, the frozen dead guy is, or was a Norwegian who died in Norway at the age of 89 in 1989, meaning that he was born in, about, uh, 1900. His body was flown to Los Angeles where he was cryogenically frozen, a la Ted Williams' head, and he was thence moved to Nederland. He and his properly frozen butt-tocks now reside in a shed called the Tuff Shed which is decorated with the logo of radio station 103.5 The Fox, which had arranged for the shed to be donated. More or less the end of that story.

Now comes a fellow named Ron Trzepacz of New York to tell us that he is familiar with Mr. Dougherty's butt-tock problems. Mr. Trzepacz, in spite of being vowelly challenged, used to be an official in the town of Nederland. He says that Mr. Dougherty complained to him once before about his butt-tocks (Dougherty's) having become frozen, stuck, glued or otherwise adhered to a toilet seat in the town's public restroom. The guy (Dougherty) and his butt-tocks appear to have a serial problem with toilet seats and space-age adhesives.


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