Sunday, September 04, 2005

Sean Penn - The Skipper

Admiral Sean Penn arrives in New Orleans with an entourage which includes his personal photographer, launches a boat to aid in the rescue efforts - and said vessel (presumably named the SS Minnow) promptly begins to sink. Narrowly avoiding the fate of Jean Lafitte, Commander Penn manages to make it to shore while furiously bailing with a red plastic drinking cup and accompanied by much hilarity and dirision from bystanders. Cap'n Penn had no comment and we've yet to see any photos. Hey Skipper, it's called a boat plug. Insert firmly into your hole (the one in the boat) prior to launch. Actually, a skilled seafarer such as myself can, and occasionally will, insert the boat plug after launch, but you need to be running at a fair clip to pull this off successfully. Launching the boat with boat plug uninstalled in your hole (the one in the boat) and then motoring away from launch ramp at .001 kts so as to maximise photo-op time is a good way to end up in Davy Jone's locker. Which is exactly what Skipper Penn did. When such hilarity ensues, there are only two options. One is to quickly jack up boat speed and allow the water which you have stupidly allowed to enter the boat to be sucked out, after which you reach over the transom, find the dangling boat plug, and stick it into your hole (the one in the boat). The other, and probably smarter option after realizing your own bone-headedness, is to quickly reach over the aforementioned transom, stick the boat plug into your hole (the one in the boat), then allow your bilge pump(s) to remove the water which you so moronically allowed in. I always have opted for the first option so as not to look completely stupid and incompetent. You know, so as to appear that I do it like this all the time. This has happened to me a couple of times more than I am pleased to admit but never while basking in the glow of my personal photographer's lense and my own famously famous famousosity. Skipper Penn chose option 3, which I did not bother to list because I would never consider such a thing. Option 3 is to haul ass for shore so that your rescue vessel can be rescued by someone who knows the difference between the bow in the front and the bow at the back. If I ever found myself forced to opt for No. 3, I would deserve to be keel-hauled. What's that you say? You don't know what a bilge pump is? Then why are you piloting a boat in the first place? And come to think of it, why are you in New Orleans? I thought you were saving Iran or someplace. And you don't know what keel-hauled is? Why am I even talking to you?


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