Friday, February 17, 2006

Richard Dreyfuss and other loveable losers

Richard Dreyfuss
Latest loveable loser of "cause worth fighting for" and brings own sign. Says, "No one ever gives up power, ever," and claims to be a "libo-conservo-middle-of-the-roado." Here are some other losers who eventually learned that they, too, were going to lose and how Dreyfuss' statements applied to them in their own times.

Pierre de Rigaud, marquis de Vaudreuil-Cavagnon
Lost Canadiens, lost Red Wings, lost Kwame Kilpatrick.
Discovered that British could "get men into ships and move them to the right battlefield" pretty damned quickly.

King George III
Lost Ford, lost Chrysler, lost General Motors, lost Microsoft, lost Enron, lost Fargo, lost Popeil Pocket Fisherman.
Repeatedly told Sons of Liberty, "don't kid yourselves."

Presidente y General Antonio Lopez de Santa Ana
Lost Willie Nelson and Luckenbach, lost job, won French pastries war and job back, lost leg, lost Arizona, lost New Mexico, lost California, lost Colorado, lost Utah, lost Nevada, lost Wyoming, lost job - again.
Learned that, in the greater metropolitan Washington-On-the_Brazos area, the "need for revenge after an attack inevitably weakened" only after the succcessful counter attack.

Robert E. Lee
Won Harpers Ferry, lost slave Wesley Norris, regained slave Wesley Norris, whipped slave Wesley Norris, rubbed brine into lacerations on back of slave Wesley Norris, lost Custis's back yard at Arlington, lost Civil War.
Tried to kill "people in Kansas."

Admiral Pascual Cervera
Lost battle of Santiago Bay - 510 casualties, 1670 prisoners.
Americans: 1 dead, 6 wounded, 1670 more mouths to feed.
His "instantaneous, reflexive response" was to frantically wave white flag.

Kaiser Wilhelm
Lost Mont Blanc, lost hamburgers, lost frankfurters.
Was "truly staunch of heart and truly zealous" to "keep up that hatred" of the French.

Enver Pasha
Lost the last Caliphate, lost OPEC, lost Baghdad Bob
Prone to be "pretty thoughtless, pretty terrified and do some pretty impressive damage" (check with the Armenians).

Tsar Nicholas II
Lost Rasputin, lost Smirnov, lost Anastasia, lost family, lost life.
Probably thought, "none of this happened because of any conspiracy."

Francisco Madero
Won revolution, lost gunfight, assassinated.
Kind of resembled Richard Dreyfuss, in that he was 5'3" and Villa considered him "Mister Too-Complex-for-Your-Own-Good".

Bonus Loveable Losers Collage!
CW from top right:
Porfirio Diaz: lost revolution, exiled to Paris
Emiliano Zapata: lost 2nd revolution, assassinated
Venustiano Carranza: lost 3rd revolution, assassinated
Pancho Villa: lost 4th revolution, assassinated
All insisted "that we refuse to endorse bad behavior" but most succumbed to environmental problems - lead poisoning.

William Jennings Bryan
Lost a lot of elections, lost Monkey Trial, lost self respect, lost health.
Taught by Darrow what "maintain the integrity of that debate" really meant.

Adolph Hitler
Lost Paris, lost Volkswagen, lost Porsche, lost wife, lost life.
Very "libo-conservo-middle-of-the-roado" on whether to gas'em or shoot'em.

Benito Mussolini
Lost Ferrari, lost wife, lost life.
Died in "middle-of-the-roado".

Emperor Hirohito
Lost entire Pacific Ocean, lost Polynesia, lost Marlon Brando.
Ended up on boardo the Missouri-o signing surrendero with MacArthur-o while considering whether he should become "become poisoned and die".

Che Guevara (w/o beanie)
Lost head, lost hands, lost life.
Very "libo-conservo" in millinery fashion but was "taught the tools of debate and dissent" with a bullet and an ax.

Mikhail Gorbachev
Lost Eastern Europe, got buried.
Thought, "I'm deeply in love with the country that I was taught about in school," then discovered it was being run by that Reagan guy..

Al Gore
Lost 2000 election, lost control of mind and precious bodily fluids
Never had any power to worry about giving up.
Not too "libo-conservo" when in Arab desert getting paid in 6 figures but does "fill the air with the same terrible clips, the same blaring intro music, the same screaming fonts, and then the same clips again and the same screaming fonts again and again".

John Kerry
Lost 2004 election, lost Ohio, lost Jane Fonda, lost taste for Wendy's chili.
Insisted that he would "refuse to debate the appropriateness of the process" of crawling around in a bunny suit and looking like a complete idiot.

Other close encounters of the 3rd kind with loveable losers:
PunditGuy says the Democratic Party has been killed deader than Francisco Franco.
Junk Yard Blog mentions some losers I missed - Fidel Castro and al Qaeda.
Crazy Politico's Rantings seems unhappy to have Hollywood tell us what to do.
Blue Star Chronicles invites Dreyfuss to have a close encounter of the 2nd time with Canada.
Random Thoughts thinks Dreyfuss is looking for his crappy career - maybe he left it in Canada.

TAGS: , ,

No comments: