Thursday, January 19, 2006

bin Laden generously offers truce with America

From the Onion, the American weekly newsmagazine followed closely in China, come still frames from a videotape released by Al Jazeera news network, today. The Onion report, titled "Starving, Bandaged Bin Laden Offers U.S. One Last Chance To Surrender" quotes the English translation by Al Jazeera of bin Laden's offer.
Staring directly into the camera with his good eye, bin Laden reiterated his vow to drive the U.S. from the country.

"You may have dozens of bases in Afghanistan. You may have thousands of bombs," bin Laden said. "But know this: We still have three or four guns and a full crate of bullets. And some knives, I think. You cannot hope to prevail."
According to Al Jazeera's translation as reported by the Onion, bin Laden claimed, "You are practicing the mathematics of defeat. Give up now." Taliban leader Mullah Omar explained the mathematics:
"The noose is tightening," said Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar, gnawing on a dead horse's hoof. "With every Taliban soldier you capture or kill, your selection of enemies grows more limited. Our remaining soldiers, on the other hand, enjoy a virtually limitless array of Allied soldiers to shoot. Before long, it will be virtually impossible for you to find someone to engage on the field of battle. Then, victory will be ours."
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