It's Saturday - lighten up!

Widow says her cucumber lasts longer (keep your minds out of the gutter while reading this).

A Croatian widow has submitted a pickled cucumber for a place as the world's oldest in the Guinness Book of Records. Vera Dudas, 73, from Duga Resa, says the cucumber was pickled by her mother-in-law when her late husband was born in 1930. She has now had the cucumber insured. She says it's her only reminder of her husband Pavao who would have turned 76 this year.

Vera said: "Unfortunately, the cucumber has survived longer than Pavao. I remember my entire married life when I look at that cucumber, it was with us everywhere we ever lived and through all our experiences - good and bad."

Russia's own Whiskey Rebellion

Riots are feared in Russia after a new law forced vodka distilleries to halt production. The new law, endorsed by President Putin on January 1, stipulates that every distillery must have computerised equipment for measuring alcohol levels. The move caught the big distilleries by surprise and brought nationwide production to a standstill.

Some commentators fear a revolution as more and more Russians turn to violence on discovering empty supermarket shelves.

The state is also suffering huge losses as it usually collects over 3.4 billion pounds ($6 billion) in liquor taxes per annum, which works out at about 95m pounds ($168.5 million) per day.

Considering the recent ill-fated attempt by Vlad "The Impaler" Putin to cut off gas supplies to Ukraine, I don't think the Russian government has yet to fully grasp the "supply and demand" philosophy.

This gives me the willies.

French men have the longest willies in the world. Researchers from Andromedical in Spain found that the average French manhood is 6.2in when aroused.

Italy is next at 5.9in reports The Sun. Britons fall below the world average of 5.5in at 5.1in.

Countries with the smallest averages were India at 3.9in and South Korea with 3.7in.

Jogging with ghosts

The mayor of Brazil's biggest city has announced plans to build running tracks in cemeteries.

Sao Paulo's Mayor Jose Serra wants to build circular tracks in 22 of the city's cemeteries, reports SP TV. He hopes the running tracks, which would surround burial areas, will enable residents to exercise regularly.

But protesters say they do not want to "jog with ghosts" and are calling on the mayor to leave the dead in peace.

Rockin' Robin

An Argentinian woman has been living in a nest for a full year. Roxana Pons, from Mendoza, built her nest, using branches and cushions, in a tree near San Rafael train station.

She told Las Ultimas Noticias: "I followed the instructions of a book called El Cobijo which explains how to build a good nest, I thought it was a fantastic idea. I'm not homeless and I have a house that I could live in if I wanted to. I just chose to live in a tree, that's all."

Woman buries herself for world peace

A Japanese woman buried herself in an underground pit in India for three days to try to create a better world.

I guess she thought it would be a better world without her mucking around in it.

Suffer the little children A Santa Claus in a shopping mall was doing all the suffering, so he took action.

A Santa Claus is facing the sack from a Dutch shopping centre after he smacked a young boy for pulling his beard.

Wrong way Corrigans

An elderly couple drove 300 miles in the wrong direction after using their car to visit their son who lived just down the road.

Franz Mueller, 88, and his wife Eva, 86, of Breitenborn in Germany, were stopped by police at Wrestedt hundreds of miles away. A huge traffic jam had built up behind them as they travelled slowly looking for signs to lead them back home.

A police spokesman said: "They asked the officers who stopped them if they spoke German, and then if they were still in Germany. They were really lost."

Oops!

A strip club owner burned his club to the ground while trying to prove it was fire-proof to health and safety inspectors.

They had questioned whether his decorations were in accordance with fire safety rules, and he used his lighter to set fire to the paper ornaments in a bid to prove there was nothing to worry about.

But the fire quickly took off and spread throughout the club and the neighbouring restaurant - burning both establishments to the ground.

She loves me, she loves me not.

A Turkish shop assistant was arrested after he was found lying naked with a mannequin in a store window. The 30-year-old man was discovered by colleagues opening up the department store in Antalya for the day. They called police after noticing bite marks on the mannequin. Two other mannequins that showed signs of abuse were also taken in as evidence.

Baldilocks?

A young German woman tried to make her love rival go bald by mixing hair removal cream in with her shampoo. Brigitte Tullman, 20, was given a six-month suspended sentence by a court in Mainz after slipping an Immac-like product into housemate Lisa Burgermeister's shampoo. According to witnesses at the trial Burgermeister, 20, had recently started going out with Tullman's ex-boyfriend.

Who's the real Dumbo?

An escaped elephant is roaming the streets of St Petersburg - while authorities try to decide whose job it is to catch it. The animal, which was being transported through Russia by an unnamed Finnish company, escaped from its container by smashing through its walls.

There have been a number of sightings around the city but no one has tried to catch the elephant yet. Local media say it's unclear which arm of the St Petersburg emergency services is responsible for escaped elephants.

If we did this in congress, we wouldn't have a congress.

IT firm bans whining.

Whining about the weather or the broken photocopier are fireable offences at a German company that has banned moaning. Employees at IT company Nutzwerk Ltd, in Leipzig, have to agree to be in a good mood as part of their employment contract.

Manager Thomas Kuwatsch said those who get up on the wrong side of the bed should stay at home and work out their grumpiness rather than come into work. But he warned those taking too much time off for bad moods would face firing.

"We made the ban on moaning and grumpiness at work official after one female employee refused to subscribe to the company's philosophy of always smiling," he said. She used to moan so much that other employees complained about her complaining. Once it was part of the contract however, our employees really started to think positively."

I think that's nutz.

In the doghouse

A 75-year-old Polish man was chained up by his wife in a dog kennel because she was fed up with him coming home drunk. Zdzislawa Bukarowicza was chained up by his wife Helena and fed on dog food and water because she was sick of him spending all their money on vodka.

He survived almost three weeks living on an old blanket in the dog kennel and being fed from the dog bowl despite temperatures of minus 20 degrees at his home in Scinawa.

Take my wife, please.

A man sentenced to nine months house arrest begged a judge to jail him instead because he couldn't stand his wife's nagging. Algerian Ahmed Salhi, 24, was sentenced to a nine month curfew at home with his Italian wife in Ferrara, northern Italy. But he went back to court after a week and begged the judge to jail him because he could not bear her nagging.

A local court agreed to the Salhi's request and he has been jailed for the rest of his sentence.

Very poor taste in Holland

A Dutch company is selling nazi helmets to Dutch football fans to wear during the World Cup Finals in Germany. Free Time Products, from Schijndel, has already sold 15,000 plastic orange helmets in just two weeks reports Het Laatste Nieuws.

The plastic helmets are adorned with slogans such as "Attack", "There he goes" and "Go Holland go". Designer Weno Geerts said they were meant as a joke: "We just want to support our team and tease the Germans. Nothing else. That's why we called it 'Helmpje' (Small helmet)."

Geerts said the company had received only a few complaints and expected to sell another 100,000 helmets before the finals this summer.

Just be glad it wasn't named The Nagasaki Inn

A newly opened restaurant called Car Crash has had to close down - after a car crashed into the building. The car lost control in wet weather and smashed into the entrance of the restaurant in Santiago, Chile.

Now contemplating suicide

A newly married Romanian farmer fractured his penis after ogling his young wife while carrying a heavy sack of grain. Farmer Gheorghe Popa, 52, from Galati, had been moving the grain sacks to the barn when he stopped to watch his 25-year-old wife Loredana hang up the washing. He got himself over excited and dropped the sack on his erect penis, snapping vital tendons and ligaments.

Doctor Nicolae Bacalbasa said: "It was a bizarre accident, and he was in a lot of pain. "We have done what we can for him but he may never regain use of the organ again, at least for sexual purposes."

Guess who's coming to dinner?

A Russian couple had a narrow escape when their naked neighbour dropped in - through the ceiling. Rozalia Valiakhmetova had been relaxing in the bath when the floor gave way, dropping her and the bath tub into the flat below. "They seemed as shocked as I was when they saw me lying there naked in the bath in the middle of their living room."

And, finally, this jewel of a story: "I'll eat my shirt," would have sufficed..

A Welsh rugby fan has spoken out about how he hacked off his own testicles after his team beat England. Geoffrey Huish, 31, took an agonising ten minutes to perform the op using a pair of blunt wire cutters, says the Sun. Then he put his severed parts in a blue plastic bag and staggered to a social club to tell fellow Wales fans what he'd done.

Jobless Geoffrey finally collapsed with blood pouring from his groin as horrified drinkers put his testicles in a pint glass of ice. They were handed to paramedics who rushed him to hospital - but surgeons could not sew them back.

Geoffrey, of Senghenydd, spent several months in a psychiatric unit as experts tried to fathom his actions. He said: "I'd told my pal Gethin Probert before the game that Wales didn't stand a chance. It wasn't a bet, but I said I'd cut my balls off if we won . . . "So I started hacking away at my tackle. It took about ten minutes and there was quite a lot of pain - but I just kept going. The cutters were blunt so I had to keep snipping. I cut my penis as well. There was a lot of blood but not as much as you would expect."

He added: "I think about what happened every day and still haven't come up with a good reason why. I'd had a lot going on and felt a bit down. I can't have kids now, but still want a family. Maybe I'll adopt."

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TAGS: humor