Thursday, June 01, 2006

Juan Valdez to retire on cocaine profits.

Juan Valdez, the long time symbol of Columbian coffee, has decided to retire. For 36 years, from 1969 until last year, he had hauled coffee down the Columbian mountain sides while being paid starvation wages. In year 37, he was finally fed up and began hauling cocaine. Now, Carlos Sánchez, his real name, has enough money to buy a lavish beach house in Cartagena and an equally lavish stable for Conchita, his mule.

Sanchez took the low paying job when the first "Juan Valdez", Jose Duval, a Cuban, was killed in the Bay of Pigs invasion. The Columbian Coffee Council is searching for a replacement who can keep his nose out of the candy.

When asked about his plans for the beach house, he was also asked about Conchita. His reply: "Chinga esa mula estúpida!" (F**k that stupid mule!)

Juan Valdez arrives from the Columbian mountains with his last 150 kilos of cocaine aboard the soon-to-be abandoned and somewhat stupid looking Conchita.

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